Reflections of Regret
by SkittlezLvr79
Summary: One Shot. Written for the Jovial fic contest at the WWE Library. On her special day, the man who lets her go suffers with the knowledge of what it means to his life.


Jeff stared at the multicolored walls but he didn't really see them. He wasn't lost in his usual creative world, planning the next artistic thing he'd do. It wasn't on his hobbies or his next big match. He wasn't thinking about the next episode of the Hardy Show or the next outrageous thing he'd do on camera. Only one thing consumed his troubled mind, the knowledge of what today was and what it meant for his life or rather what was left of it.

_**Today you'll pick up all the pieces  
And get on with your life  
All I can hope is that you're happy  
'Cause today you're someone else's wife** _

Today he'd officially lose her. She was marrying someone else, someone who wouldn't be foolish enough to let her go like he had. The reconciliation he secretly hoped for would never come to fruition. It would only remain a sweet dream that haunted him every night while he slept. He'd never get to hold her or kiss her again. Never hear her voice rasp out his name in the throws of ecstasy or be the beneficiary of her dazzling smile.

While he knew that he had no one to blame for that but himself, the insight didn't make it hurt any less. The constant ache and loneliness had remained with him for the past three years and never wavered. Deep down, he knew that it never would. He was doomed to carry the torch of unrequited love until the day he died. It would probably even follow him past the grave, to the unknown after-life awaiting him.

_**Right now I wish that I could turn back  
And beg the hands of time  
For the days that I remember (oh baby)  
The days when you were mine**_

His time with her had been the happiest of his life. She was the light to his dark, the day to his night. He lost himself in her but was never able to fully shake the little voice in the back of his mind that told him that he didn't deserve her. Usually one to be able to admit the way he felt with a poetic flair, he found himself rendered speechless by her beauty, both inside and out. Maybe he was afraid to say the words because he knew that they weren't meant to be, that their union wouldn't prevail against the storm of reality.

Or maybe his fear was because he knew she felt the same and would tell him. If he allowed that to happen, to let her lower herself to be with him, it would kill him. Because he couldn't bear the thought of being the one who put pain in her eyes or caused that smile to falter. But inevitably, he did. His actions, his inability to escape his demons had ripped them apart once and for all.

_**And if I never said I love you  
It's cause the words got in the way**_

He reached for the paper that lay on the coffee table and picked it up, feeling the dainty linen crumpled beneath his fingers. When it arrived in the mail, he hoped that it wasn't what he thought it was. That hope was dashed when he opened the envelope and saw something that no doubt about what it was. Her name was embossed on the fancy invitation in curvy golden letters, appropriate for the princess she truly was, along with the name of her fiancées, a man he didn't know but despised with every fiber of his being and every ounce of his soul. The date beneath their names was like a dagger in his already wounded heart.

There was no malice in her gesture, only the hope that he'd be happy for her; that he'd want to share in it. That maybe they could somehow find their way back to being friends, like before their relationship turned into something else. But he knew that he wasn't capable of being that big or mature. If he went, he'd object and spill forth the feelings he'd held onto. She didn't deserve to have her happiness destroyed by him for a second time. So he checked off the will not attend box of the RSVP card and sent it back, resigning himself to the idea of not seeing her one last time.

_**I'll bet you looked good at the altar  
I'll bet he knew the words to say  
And the angels smiled when you walked down the aisle  
You both knelt down to pray**_

He raked a hand through his hair and sighed heavily. The plan of not seeing her went to hell when he resigned with the WWE. She was a month away from leaving, of beginning her new life. It killed him to see her unbridled happiness, drove the dagger deeper in his heart to glimpse from afar how excited she was about her upcoming nuptials. Knowing that encountering him would only tarnish it for her, he went out of his way to avoid her.

He didn't go to any of the after show gatherings and avoided hanging out in the hotel bars just in case her and the divas were there celebrating. Backstage, he skirted the common areas that the talent usually hung out in, terrified that they'd encounter one another. He retreated into himself, becoming the enigma people believed him to be. Bland, boring hotel and motel rooms were his solitary sanctuary. Dark, abandoned corners in the far recesses of arenas became his territory and no one dared to tread upon it.

_**As he put his ring on your finger  
I know there's just one thing left to say**_

If they somehow managed to pass in the hallways, he'd keep his head down and his eyes focused on the ground. He knew it hurt and confused her. Amy and Ashley had both torn into him about his behavior. Matt called him out on his feeling and Shane tried to encourage him to speak to her, to tell her the truth he owed her. But he tuned them out, content to leave things alone.

Now he wondered if he should have listened to everyone and sought her out. If he should have apologized for the pain he caused in the past and laid his feeling bare to her. It would have hurt and torn open old scars but he should have pushed the notion of pain aside and tried. Because even if it didn't change her decision to get married, it may have afforded him the luxury of still having her in his life.

_**All I can do is say I'm sorry  
Sorry I missed your wedding day**_

So Sorry

A frustrated puff of breath tumbled over his lips and he dropped his head into his hands, massaging his temples. Thinking about the what ifs and maybes did nothing but further his pain. He had to accept the fact that he screwed things up between them. That his own stupidity had kept him from reaching out to her over the last three years. It was his own cowardice that stopped him for speaking to her when he returned to the company.

His hands were shaking as he drew them through his hair, raking back the fibers from his face. Breaths were coming in shallow, broken gasps over his lips. In his throat, a sizable lump had formed and felt as if it were suffocating him. His body shook as the gasping breaths turned into painful sobs. A tear snaked down his cheek and he closed his eyes, not wanting to cry over something he could have easily prevented if he found the courage to be a man.

_**You won't be walking through the door anymore  
You won't be sleeping in this bed anymore  
Tho' I swear I see your shadow waltz across my floor**_

But it hurt too much and the tears refused to be stemmed as his mind was taken over by images of her. That beautiful blonde hair that made her look like an angel. Those deep, soulful chocolate eyes that shone so brightly. Her full, sensuous lips that felt like the coolest, expensive silk when he touched them. Her tanned, flawless skin flushed with excitement.

The images were painful but too beautiful and cherished to ignore. In his mind he saw her stretched out beneath him, that brilliant smile painted on her lips as she waited for him to kiss her. Her excitement as he ran his hands over her incredible, toned body and committed the curves and planes to memory. The unabashed way she'd look up at him when he held her, so much emotion on her face as she waited to hear him saw the words that he never could. And then the sight of pain in her eyes as he told her that he was leaving, not just the business but her.

_**And I don't know if I can take it  
Should we ever meet again  
Cause I know that we'll be strangers  
When he introduces friends**_

He jumped off the couch and walked over to the door, a strange determination washing over him. Things had to be made right. It couldn't end like this, it didn't deserve to. Even though it was the stupidest thing he'd ever do, he had to go to her. To make sure that she realized just how much she meant to him and tell her the words she longed to hear from his mouth.

_**I tried to make it to the church now baby  
A broken heart got in the way**_

But his hand froze on the knob and his body was locked in place, completely paralyzed by the reality of the situation. He couldn't do it. No matter how much he wished he could, he couldn't stop her from obtaining happiness. Not when he knew that a life with him would only be her undoing. The only thing he had to offer was uncertainty and a world filled with darkness and pain.

Who in their right mind would want that when they had a chance at real happiness and a life of normalcy? She was as intelligent as she was beautiful and capable of making rational choices. If she had to pick between him and her fiancée, she would pick stability every time. And he couldn't blame her for the choice. All she deserved was the best life had to offer her and that wasn't him.

_**All I can do is tell you I'm sorry  
Sorry I missed your wedding day**_

Going back to the couch, he pulled his cell phone from his pocket. He dialed a number he hadn't had the guts to dial in years, his fingers trembling as they hit the buttons. The only reason he had the courage to make this call was because he knew that she was too busy to answer. It went straight to voicemail and he listened to her angelic voice implore her to leave a message with the promise of getting back to them. He took a deep breath as it beeped and steeled himself for what he was about to do.

_**I really hope you're happy baby  
Tho' it's killing me to say  
All I can do is say I'm sorry  
Sorry I missed you're wedding day**_

"Hi darlin', it's Jeff. I just wanted to call to wish you the best." He closed his eyes, a fresh tear sliding down his face, but his voice was steady.

"I hope that he makes you happy, that you get everything you want out of life. I'm sorry that I pushed you away and never let you back in. And I'm sorry that couldn't be there for you today but it's for the best, please believe me on that."

**_Sorry I missed you're wedding  
I'm sorry I missed you're wedding day_ **_  
_

He licked his dry lips before continuing. "I'll always love you Trish and I really do want you to be happy. I'm just sorry that it couldn't be me that gave you it."

_**I'm sorry I missed you're wedding day  
I'm sorry I missed you're wedding day**_

Hanging up, he sat back against the couch and refocused his gaze on the wall. He hoped that leaving her a message would eventually help him heal and move on. But he knew that even if he did, he'd always remember that his true love was the one who got away.


End file.
